I've been trying to figure out what to say in this post for weeks now. Do I share the whole truth with you or do I just say "sorry I've been absent from the blog for months" and move on from there. You have been with me for a while and you've seen/read my many ups and downs in life and I thought that you deserved to know the whole truth. It's a hard thing to come to terms with but once I admitted it to myself and recognized the problem it made it easier for me to try and get better. The past few months I have been severely depressed. I didn't realize how depressed I was until the day I told my mother that I finally got a new job. Her reply to me will always echo in my mind. She said, "Is that why I finally see a smile on your face that I haven't seen in months."
I never realized how much a job could affect ones mood, spirit, and personality. Things I loved to do and work on (like the blog) felt like the biggest chore in the world. When I first started my day job I loved it. I loved the people I worked with, the environment, and my boss. He was a man of few words but when he spoke I learned a lot of valuable lessons. But after a few months in the position my boss was asked to step down (health reasons) and I got a new boss. I was very hesitant at first about this transition but told myself to give it a year. I made it 9 months but every day was worse than the last. Every morning I had to talk myself into getting ready; I had to physically make myself drive to work and keep from turning around and heading home; my eyes were constantly twitching from the stress; all I wanted to do was eat and sleep; and whenever this new boss walked in to the office I would get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was good at putting on a front for a while but a situation like this takes a lot out of you.
9 weeks ago I accepted a new position and when this happened it was like a fire was ignited in me and I woke up. I am now realizing that because of this depression pieces of my life had fallen that I never meant to let go. I bought my first house and should have been over the moon with excitement. I never in a million, billion years could have imagined owning my own place and it was always a dream that I thought was unattainable. Instead of being excited about the house all I wanted to do was lie on the couch and hide. I pushed the blog and some friendships to the side; my eating habits got a little out of control; and the house became this burden and chore that I needed to work on but no longer was excited about-I didn’t even want to move in!
Since I started my new position and found that spark that was once gone I’m slowly picking up the pieces and putting my life back together. Getting back to "me" will be process that will take some time but I'm ready. Every day I'm a little happier than the day before and I now find myself wanting to get up and go to work. I finally moved into my house and am having so much fun decorating and putting the finishing touches on it; I started to exercise again and started to eat a little healthier; and I’m trying to reach out to friends again. Writing this post is actually proving to myself how much I've grown in the past few weeks. I would have never been able to share all of this with you then.
The last piece that I need to fix is the blog but this leaves me confused. Because of the house I no longer have money to spend on new "on trend" pieces. I can't even afford new shoes! Instead I've been trying to rework items in my closet that you have already seen on the blog. My readership has gone WAY down and the sponsors I once had have moved on to the next blogger. I'm torn with the decision to keep this blog or finally let it rest in peace. The question I keep asking myself is would readers want to see me wearing and styling items they can no longer get their hands on, and will they get tired of seeing the same pieces over and over. It's a decision that I'm struggling to answer so I thought I should just go slow with the blog and treat it as a diary for myself. It might continue to be about fashion or it might take a whole new direction. I might post every day or I might just post once a week. I have to do what feels right for me.
I don't want you to think I'm telling you all of this for hope of a pity party. I in no way want a pity party. Over the past few months I've had many people ask me what happened to the blog or what was going on with me. So I am telling you all of this because I think you deserve to know the whole, unsugar coated, truth. I also want those who might be feeling a little depressed or not quite like themselves to know that they are not alone. You hear me? You are not alone and you are not the only one who gets depressed! Life happens and sometimes people aren't as strong as they would like and they fall. What is important is to pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and start trying to move forward.
Life will go on.
Life will go on.